RUNNING NAKED AND WILD IN THE KINGDOM OF RANT n DRAFT
I studied with the great literary critic, Northrope Frye.
That doesn`t make me great that makes me lucky.
My `greatness` let`s discuss another time - a time
when I`m not hung over and apologetic. Though I will
not be hung over long...just bought three three bottles
of inexpensive and satisfying hootch.
Not satisfying like those four glasses of beer
I had when I was very thirsty, jumping off a bus in
Hidelberg . I`m afraid
I don`t know the kind - it was draft, but what kind of draft?
Dear Lord, the best beer I ever had and I don`t know
what kind! That`s my idea of sin!
All is not lost, however, because I usually taste (I mean,
take) notes.
I`m having beer now. It`s not in the same league
as that Paradise Beer in the modern university town
... but it`s not bad. And the one thing I admire about this beer - this beer is here!
Oh, that was not good... you know you`re really having
problems with your head, when a bad line hurts....
OOOOOooooooo......damn!
(( There were a few lines of thought from the last
article that I wanted to continue, but.... screw that!))
I was talking to a gal a few minutes ago, and I had the
thought, "I wish someone had told me twenty years
ago the few clues about writing I know now.
I`m not always the selfish prick my last three
wives have called me...I just can`t live with most women.
Women expect certain things, and I HATE expectations.
I might really like you - I might genuinely care about you;
I might even care what you think ( although this is going a
little far) but if you expect me to do anything at all
at 3:00 o`clock tomorrow AM or PM, I`m going to hate
your guts.
Being, an ex-ex-ex-lawyer,I must say, "There are a few
caveats to the above."
Here`s one caveat. If you are a semi-attractive woman
who knows her own mind, who has good legs - by that I mean
substantial legs with some muscle tone, and you demand
that I show up naked tomorrow at noon on my hands and
knees in your backyard and bend over your rail fence
and wait patiently for the caning I deserve, well,
I won`t resent that.
And you can believe me, I`ll be on time.
If you are a woman who knows you deserve punishment and you will bend over a stone altar
bare-assed... and if you know you must bend over
the stone and passively wait as I apply handcuffs
to both your wrists... and wait as I snap the cuffs
to long ringbolts set in the cement.
Well, I won`t be angry about keeping
this appointment either.
If you`re a person with a good voice
who loves hard-edged reggae, ballads and the blues,
and if you want to sing with me on stage, well, hell I`ll
make an appointment for that, too.
Apart from situations like these three, forget it!
Damn! I`m writing like a lawyer! No! No! No!
I have a few hints about how to write well, and
I wish some kind soul had told me these
so many years ago:
(1) Write about what you like. (Screw "write about what
you know". Of course you have to know it.... if you like it,
you`re gonna know it.
For example, I like sadism. I like punishment. I like
women with good big legs in short skirts.
I like women who know how to be dominant, not in a shrill
way... I don`t want some north-american bitch shouting in
a shrill voice and attempting to be dominant in that juvenile way, shouting commands in a harsh voice. Forget it!
That`s missing it! Missing the boat...by a river mile.
O.K. I digress, but I`ve also proved my point. See how
much I wrote because I liked my subject?
Writing, writing, writing. I took four years of literature
at the University. I could teach literature at the University,
but screw that!
( Though there are lots of women there with good legs
and short skirts, and I can guarantee I`d be a thoroughly
disreputable professor!
I`d break all the rules! I`d show up in class half drunk.
If you are a gal, I`d stare at your groin or your ass, or your legs. If you`re a guy, I`d look at you straight. I`d assess you
as well as I could ( which is pretty damn well ) And I`d try not to feed you any bullshit!
I don`t want to lie about writing. ((Remember Rodney in back to school))
It`s too hard a road. And if you`re not really a writer,
don`t do it! There are a thousand more lucrative, more
pleasant ways to live. You can always hire
a writer to mow your lawn, and enjoy watching the prick sweat!
Jesus Christ!
It`s not a romantic life! Oh boy, if you could look at me
now, you`d know how not-romantic it is.... errrrr, that`s not
exactly true. I`m looking and feeling pretty good right
about now... I`m naked, by the way. I almost always write
naked ( you don`t need to know that).
The point is - you can`t write with inhibitions.
Any inhibitions at all will curtail your associations.
Frustrations are different.... You can write well
getting rid of your fruatratioins, but not for long. That
get`s boring real quick for your reader.
And your reader is your partner. Treat him or her
with respect. (I was going to say, "Try to be a little coherent"
But that`s not my strong suit. I think incoherence has a
certain compelling beauty, also. But you`ve got to be
really good before you start playing that game.)
Hemingway used to say, "Start with one true word."
And you know, the old fucker`s right there. That fool couldn`t
write a word of true dialogue! But he did have a marvellous
simplistic honest way with words otherwise. Ya gotta love
the guy. But he`s not a god!
He`s not awesome. I hate the over-used word, awesome.
There`s a behaviourist shrink from New York. I love his line,
"There`s nothing awesome in the fucking universe!" What a great guy! His other wonderful line is: "Shouldhood equals shithood." (!)
But he`s a shrink, he`s not telling people how to write.
Nevertheless, his comments apply.
If I were going to die in five minutes, and I had one thing
I could say, it would be, "Write about what YOU like. Screw
social convention! Forget about what your wife likes or your mother likes, your sisters or your brothers, and especially
ignore your priest.
(Unless your priest is a genuine, non-judging people person, who is well read and pretends to be less articulate
than he is... my favourite priest used to speak with
a barnyard accent and strut about in front of hi University class like a little rooster. He`d say things like: "They should hang long banners on these university walls..." strut, strut..
pacing back in forth in front of his class of 500..." And you know what those banners should say?" He`d peer at the
class. " They should say, `Nonsense is nonsense. But the study of nonsense, that`s serious business!"
I really loved that guy. But some people couldn`t
stand him. You really didn`t want to bullshit this
loud-acting sweet man. You know why? Because he walked with God. He was a real priest. He just didn`t act like one.
Ah, shit! Now I`m crying. I usally only cry at B movies.
Some other time I`l tell you what he did for me and
my life. I won`t tell you now, because it sound`s arrogant.
He had one line, though, that I`ve wrestled with for thirty
years. That line is: "THE ONLY SIN IS SELF-DOUBT."
And that`s not bad advice for writing, either.
I have one other rule - " Break all the rules!"
You know, I still I have guilt over breaking grammatical rules!
But fuck that! Fuck it any way you can!
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