PURITANS! EUROPE IS LAUGHING AT US!

                    They think we are a bunch of Puritans! Even my native friends think we're a bunch of
PURITANS.... well, mostly the women think this. Because they are the ones who work the gardens, bleed every month, carry the water and the wood, do the cooking have the Children and PRETEND
to take the priests seriously. 
                      Then we make 'em walk to the LIQUOR CONTROL BOARD and buy us our booze!

                       That's what we have up here - way the hell and gone up into the Great White North.
You can't walk into the rather austere room of the CONTROL Board hammered, or even pretending that you're hammered, or laughing too loudly. That way you you won't get a drink. And you  can be banned for weeks....!
                       In the Victorian Era, (which Charlie's grandmother stepped right out of... Hell, she was born in the 1880s. She was Victorian! And she was not kidding about the LASH! ). In the Victorian
era. if a table leg had a curve to it, or had a gathering at the knee, or. worse still, an ankle. These
suggestive   'wooden body parts' were covered up with cloth... I think this was mostly in England,
but I'm sure there were some clothed table legs over here! There probably still are clothed
tabled legs in parts of New England and Ontario.
                       It's not the fad so much in L.A.
                       And I  haven't seen A Liquor CONTROL Board south of the Canadian- U.S. border.
Nor do you see this phenomenon so much in Mexico or Peru. And I'm told that Sweden and South Africa are determined to get rid of linens on table leg ankles. Though certain of our Zulu brethern
and my Jamaican Rasta friends are getting to like cloths on table legs: because it gives them a place to hide from their women!                       
                        

                      We have a rock and blues festival up here in North Bay. It takes place in August.
And 80,000 people attend and buy drinks. The festival takes place in a large park overlooking
a lake. Two people I know well were having sex on a tiny island about fifty yards out from the 
crowds. The woman was kneeling on all fours ( to keep a look out). The man was kneeling behind
her. He was moving in a strange fashion, rather like a dog humping in the street.
                       On his face was an expression of pain. Well, he was in pain because tiny rocks and
sharp pieces of shells were digging into his bare knees.. He couldn't have lasted much longer because of the pains in his knees.
                       They sent a police boat after them! But they didn't stop screwing. It became a race
between the couple finishing the act and the arrival of the police boat. 
                        Now the crowd caught onto this action and they stopped watching the stage. And eighty thousand people started cheering the couple on. With a loud rhythmic chant shouting something like, "GO! GO! GO!" It was hard to make out the words.
                         Well, the man didn't orgasm but the woman certainly did. And I'm sure the
woman helped the man out later.
                          But this wouldn't happen it Sweden. Would it? Please e-mail me at zappadat@themenace.ca. Of course, in Sweden naturally they'd be having sex. But would they send the police boat?
                


                           The point is: WE ARE A BUNCH OF PURITANS! And it's not good for our health.
I mean, we impeach a president because someone's giving him pleasure with her mouth! Come on!
                            And we despise the Taliban because they want women to wear veils? We're in the same league, I can tell you - only everybody's wearing a psychic condom they're not aware of.
Sexual liberation? It lasted fifteen minutes and we forgot what we learned.
                             I can tell you, Europe is laughing at us! Well, maybe not England. England understands us perfectly. But at least the English are intelligent enough to have developed a strong and sophisticated industry of sadomasocism. (Though I'm told members of Parliament keep trying
to turn back the clock and criminalize practices the nation should be proud of. Fools! Give the matter to the Tourist Bureau instead and have them advertise the Whipping Trade overseas.
I can tell you a lot of North Americans would come, and need to attend, and they'd be dropping their pants while pretending to study the Parliament Buildings)


                              I was laughing, too. But not with a police boat approaching.



                        

                               And SEX!  OOOPS! No one ever wanted to openly admit there was such a thing .
Things aren't so bad any more. But a  perverted repression and all-pervasive guilt still resides
deep down in the psyche of North America.
                               And if you don't believe me, let me hypnotize you, if you live in North America 
(And even if you don't). And we'll do some regression therapy together, and we'll see where you're
stuck and why.
                               And I promise not to bring out the electric sex toys until you're awake!

                                Years ago all the liquor bottles were hidden. We weren't allowed to see them.
That might have been an inducement for us to get plastered. Everything was hidden behind a white
partition wall. You had to write out your order quietly on a little slip. Then a government employee
in a smock would walk through a little door in the back, and bring you your bottle.
                                It was like watching a woman strip, when she never did take her clothes off.
And I'm at expert at stripping and the tease. I lived at a Burlesque Palace for a year and a half.
And I played guitar there every day.
                                So that's one ambition I've achieved. I'd always wanted to play in a band in a strip club, ever since I saw this woman take her clothes off and dance around this thick hanging rope, in a tiny club in Vienna with a hot three piece band.                     
 
                               Oh, and to be fair I must say:  now when we walk into the Liquour Control
Board of Ontario, we can actually SEE the bottles! And we can touch 'em, too! And the people
working the cash registers are pleasant people, not judgmental fools!
                               So Europe is laughing and other parts of the world, as well. And that's O.K.
I was laughing, too, until they sent the cops.