Thursday, May 26, 2016



           I have heard the the smallest scorpions are the most
           And then there are the albinos.

           I had an albino Labrador once. And she was more deadly than the other dogs. She was unpredictable.
           I caught her creeping up behind a couch once. I friend
of mine was sitting on the couch, facing the other way. Lisa,
for that was her name, she had never liked this particular
friend. She was rising up to take the back of his throat
from behind. She didn't bark.  She was totally silent.
I grabbed her by the collar just as she was rising up
to nail him.
          She didn't make a sound. She was totally absorbed
in her serious purpose. 
          She had never liked the fellow. She was going to kill
him. Why? Who knows. Trying to protect her family?
Who can tell?
           Or did she embody  some more primordial
            Maybe she wanted to eat him... Naw, not my Lisa!



        My old man and Teddy Pratt set out a subdivision
on the north coast of Jamaica. The subdivision was called
Mammee Bay... It still is. Now it's a recognized suburb of
St. Ann's Bay... and also perhaps of Ocho Rios.
        My father was trying to sell a lot in this subdivision
to a wealthy man down from Miami. He was pointing out
our "safe swimming area" to this guy; and just as
he was telling the man how safe it was - a large shark and
a huge Manta Ray got into a fight to the death right in
the 80 feet between the beach and the inner reef.
        Needless to say, dad lost the sale.

        So when I hear Sandles resorts advertise, "Swimming with
Stingrays," I have to laugh.
        It's not a good idea to swim with any stingray with a
wingspan larger that 3 feet. They have stingers trailing
on behind them... and then can whip those stinging tales
up against any one who steps on  them or swims too
        I have seen the swollen legs that resulted from men
who stepped on a ray 12 inches across. The rays disappear into
the sands of beaches. If you step on one, it nails you.
        Swimming with rays is a terrible idea.

        It's just the same as the cuddly polar bear ads
Coke puts on. Stupid! Stupid!  Stupid! Human beings
are on polar bears feed list. Give a polar bear a hug,

       Dumb advertising could well kill thousands of would-be
purchasers, people from our society ignorant of the
tendencies of real (not cuddly) wildlife.
       I'm just saying.


NOTE: Santa's Urban Survival Guide  PART of the FIRST
CHAPTER IS THE TALE of a 260 pound martial arts expert on a massive dose of PCP, following his own private psychotic dream...attacking imagined adversaries in public parks.
        Worrisome, no?
         Well I knew this fucker, and you had to be quick
with fast, clean white co-ordinated hands!

        YES, WELL my book "SANTA'S URBAN SURVIVAL GUIDE" has more than one dyed in the wool maniac in it!
This book does not tell you how to enlist in a health club.
Far from it, it tells you what kind of clubs to avoid, especially BIKER CLUBS (don't use these guys for security at rock
concerts - their murderous youthful enthusiasm can be
more than a little dangerous.)  And there are many other
things I advise you not to do.
         The truth is, however, it's easy to spot 16 motor bikes
rumbling down the lane to where you live... It's not so easy
to spot a psychopath... and It's damned nearly impossible to
spot a sociopath. I should know... I've been in hiding for
a very long time. Ho! Ho!

        So what do the shrinks say?

        They have very little to say on the subject of true
maniacs. It's too easy to be wrong about them. And none
of us like to be that wrong, especially in print.
        The movie, "Silence of the Lambs" relates the story
of a true maniac - but he was extremely well disguised, wasn't he! - he was also a psychiatric doctor.  A bit scary, that is.
Especially when you consider he is licensed to administer
the electrodes... whenever he wants.
         I can administer electrodes, too, but for entirely
different reasons, and my applications are to an entirely
different part of the body - which is my specialty.

      The truth is... I had so many doctors, shrinks, psychologists,
and well=wishers observing me ( once it became known I had an "abby-normal" brain)... by my very nature I had to observe those who were observing me... ... ( it was the only out and out entertainment I had).
       They wanted to know why a guy with a high-normal I.Q.
developed a brain rated in the high 170s. I couldn't really tell them the truth.  Because they had me locked up in a forensic ward - I was under observation for the Courts.
My 30 day assessment became an 130 day assessment approx.
        The truth, as far as I knew it was this: certain hallucinogens increase the speed with which electrical information is transferred between the synapses of the brain.
I was pretty sure that after my first 500 experiences on various
kinds of hallucinogens - my brain sped up and started to 
COMPREHEND  the universe in ways that no one had done as yet - with a few notable exceptions...
         Anyway... in an urgent need not to take myself too seriously... I realized (and let's not blow my horn) that I was
a better shrink than many of the accredited doctors.
         Wild and crazy, no?!!
          At any rate, the Greek gods punish us severely for hubris,
and some of their power still remains even in this century...
           Start getting excessively arrogant and they will KICK YOUR ASS! The Trickster god seems somehow to be related to 
them... but I'm just guessing.... and I have no desired to be punished yet again.

            I think it's time for me to shut up. But you know I have plenty more to say.
             What's one of the most important talents you can learn in this life, in whatever society you find yourself in... ...
              You must learn to duck!  And you must understand
this talent thoroughly! 
               DUCK QUICK!  Use your divinely-given reflexes!

                 And learn to crawl on your belly like a snake,
while the gunfire begins.

                          (C) 2016 by W.G, Milne

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