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Sunday, December 8, 2013

SANTA'S URBAN SURVIVAL GUIDE...........................CHAPTERS 1 TO 3






    SANTA'S URBAN SURVIVAL GUIDE

           _________________________________________________________________



                   CHAPTERS 1 - 3:
           ______________


  

This guide might be useful to you,
  before Christmas...in the madness
   of those last few shopping days,
    in case homicidal thoughts
     should occur.

               













                                                                                   1
        HOW TO SURVIVE WEIRD AND BIZARRE SITUATIONS IN PUBLIC,  WHEN YOU ARE INCAPACITATED ON DRUGS, WITHOUT BEING ARRESTED
  

      How to survive  bizarre life-threatening 
situations when you`re seeing things or hearing
voices, staying cool all the while and speaking
meaningless platitudes to the people you are with,    resisting, all the while, an overpowering urge to flee:

(a) when you`re walking with your boss and his wife, making polite conversation,  and your dead granny is whispering across the parking lot;

(b)when you discover that your true love has a lizard`s tongue but you have to go to her mother`s for
dinner anyway;

(c)when you know  your own mother is a spy for the Nazis...
    and the Nazis that very moment are hunting you;

(d) when you`re sure you`re hearing  hounds approaching;

(e) when you hear: "Hands up! We have this place
     surrounded!" and you`re sure the amplified voice is
     real;

(f) when you are eating in a fern bar and the ferns are alive!


       These are times when you`ve got to get a grip. If you keep you face looking calm and you walk right through the ugliness, you have a chance to escape.
       If a hallucinated person is real, he`ll tap you on the shoulder. Or put the cuffs on you, which is exactly  what you`re expecting!
       Chances are that`s not going to happen unless you`ve really been acting like a dork all over the place, or you`re losing motor function... ie: If you`re coming up Main Street walking like a crab .... then, yeah,
you`ll get picked up.
         Once they`ve got you, do not say one coherent word!  Say nothing in English.  If you`re really whacked any attempt at explaining yourself is just going to get you more time, especially if you`re on a serious drug and you have more of that drug hidden on your person.
         If they believe you are inarticulate and mumbling like a beast, they won`t bother asking any questions.  Drooling a bit never hurts. The idea is to disgust the cops so all they do is toss you in a drunk cell for the night. Then you`ll get out in the morning.
         If the police think you`re a hopeless drunk, they`ll
leave you alone.
         This one is hard to pull off, though. It`s difficult to hide  MANIA behind a shambling, drooling drunk act.  There are a lot of keen-eyed cops out there. And mania is like a bright light bulb in a crowd, especially drug-induced mania. 
 You gotta keep your head down, your eyes down, and for God`s sakes, don`t smile!
         Don`t give `em one of those big-eyed maniac
smiles, wide toothy grin.  What that look says is:
"I`M INSANELY HAPPY BEYOND ALL REASON AND THIS JAIL MEANS NOTHING TO ME...you won`t hold me more than an hour!"
     " I`m going go to across the street, steal a Cadillac, then pick up some hookers and an ounce of blow
and accelerate out of here and toot my horn while someone TOOTS MY HORN, if you catch my drift."
         This is not a pose you want to project, even if you feel like you`re levitating... and you have to hang on to the grill of your car to just stay on earth and keep from floating away into the stratosphere...and you really believe it
        
      No, stick with the dumb disgusting drunk act. If you can look dirty, or better - filthy...FILTHY...FILTHY! The new policeman of today won`t want to touch you --- these guys are making 80,000 dollars a year... They`re not labourers anymore.... They`re professionals.... The old expression: "FIVE TEN, GRADE TEN" no longer applies, and maybe never did.
       The new young policeman is upper middle class and he`s NOT  going to want to get down on his knees in the sewers and the alleys with you... in all the places where we love to do our drugs... all the filthy holes! Har! Har!   Don`t expect any visits down there.
       Except we do not want to hide in filthy places, either,
we are not longer criminal, and we no longer accept being classified as such.


                                                                            *






                                                              2



               SURVIVING  SUDDEN ATTACK
               BY A HUMAN BEAST, CONSUMED
               BY PSYCHOSIS AND TRAINED 
               IN THE MARTIAL ARTS
               _____________________________
              




      Any survival situation is interesting.  Toxic Psychosis
is definitely a survival situation. - often the danger is more
acute for other people.
      Extreme paranoia, however induced...can be a danger
to other people. If the subject feels he is under
attack, by let say six schoolteachers walking their dogs
across a public park...
      And if the subject is in the same public park, hiding in the
bushes and watching carefully at the approach of the enemy.  And the subject naturally has already gained the higher
ground...
       And if the subject is the survivor of several jail
fights and has learned the art of using anything
at hand for a weapon.
       And let`s say our hypothetical subject has
just snorted six ounces of Peruvian Marching Powder.
And has walked out of the family home at the start of
dinner. And he has slammed the front door
very loudly as he begins his fast search for higher
ground... And some fiend has cut the cocaine with
(Angel) DEVIL DUST - PCP....
       Now he`s carrying his shoes in his left
hand....And he`s having trouble putting these
shoes on - because every time he sits down to pull
on a shoe, he starts to levitate...
       And levitation is a problem I`d prefer
not to discuss before breakfast....
       
        Time for a cup of coffee. 

        Well, that`s why we call them drug fiends,
children. And they might attack out of the
bushes at any time.
         
        Because even if you`re only sixteen
and even if all six of you weigh less than a
thousand pounds, and even if you`re walking Labrador
Retrievers, not Dobermans. The DRUG FIEND
 walking with the king  SEES THE SCENE
                                  DIFFERENTLY
 than you your school-teacher buddies do!
        
         The drug fiend sees danger everywhere he turns.
He is in what the doctors like to call, a "FIGHT OR FLIGHT"
situation.
   
          You see, you think you`re walking along in a
safe park  and it`s a balmy spring evening, and you`re 
talking to your wives, whoops! wife. And the dogs you
are walking are frolicking along looking for bushes to sniff.
           But you see, that`s not the reality at all...

           In fact, you are walking 2300 years ago...

           You don`t hear the shrieking citadel geese, because
you are not aware that you are approaching the citadel...
and the bushes your dogs are sniffing give rise
to the bushes on higher ground where the brave soul
defending the city from Etruscan Invaders... awaits.
           And he passed right through that little fight-or-flight
problem six minutes ago. This Drug Fiend is a brave soul.
            He is defending the lives of his people. And he
has been doing military exercises for decades.
             He`s been practising hurling sharp implements against a reinforced wall in his basement for six years now
taking speed all night, night after night, for years
and lifting weights after his fingers have become too blistered from whipping around all those six-pointed stars
at the human head drawn in the wall 30 feet away
from his barricade.
         He works out nightly in his Roman exercise gallery.

          Your dogs have transformed themselves into the
200 pound snarling beasts ( precursors to the brave Rottweiler breed, only larger and trained to eat what it
kills - trained to eat and kill the citizens of Rome.)
         Our brave fiend is truly lost in madness now.
But for him, remember, the situation makes sense.
It doesn`t to you, but you`re not making the rules.
You`re not the director of this very real theatre piece.
             Well, you`ll see the problem developing...

              When you see the 320 pound, extremely agile,
shoeless monster burst from the bushes you are
attacking.... when you hear him howl in a chattering
fashion teeth flashing in a snarl which may also be a laugh...
               When you see him running downhill in a leaping
motion... running past your company  to your left - down
the hill and cutting off any chance of
dignified escape...    or any escape at all.

                  Well, then it`s time, my friends, to start seeing
the situation the way he does.
                  TIME WARP does exist.
                   principle: The craziest among us, he defines the time and space.

              If you see him BOUNDING, moving the way you have never seen a human move - chances are, what you
are dealing with is an entity rather less and rather more than
human...
             iT`S IMPORTANT TO QUICKLY READ THE SIGNS!
             (1) bounding,  that`s a sign
             (2) when your domestic dogs have stopped barking
                  and now they`re just pissing themselves where                    they stand, that`s another sign.         

             It`s a sign to run like a motherfucker!
             
             Go ahead, sprint for the bushes.  Forget
about ripping the shit of your $1000 suit.  Run through
the bushes... don`t worry about what may be permanent
facial scars as the undergrowth tears at your skin. That`s
what plastic surgery is for.
            Run right through the brand new one by six pine
planking of your neighbours fence... Let the men do that for
you, ladies.Chances are they`ve got a good head start on 
you anyway...

principle: When reality strikes, forget what ought to be.
            
          LET GO OF THE LEASHES OF YOUR DOGS! They
can outrun you - one good thing about animals, they
never forget how to flee...

          Ask any 20 year cop who`s worked the inner city
and the ravines... Ask him about the mysteries, the delights
and the insane dangers of fiends on PCP.
           I have heard horrible stories. Babies have been
eaten... A man crossing sixteen  lanes of the 401
with an arm in his mouth... unworried, as if he`s
going to church.  I have heard horrible stories.
        And what I have SEEN is far worse than what I have heard.

        If you`re lucky enough to SEE such a beast approaching, shoot for the centre of the chest. 
(Fuck luck! If you`re unwary, you won`t see a thing and you`ll be dead) Chances are he`ll be too fast for you to hit him in the head...
        Shoot him three or four times in the chest.... then
run like the demons of hell are nipping at your heels.
Because THEY ARE!  RUN LIKE HELL!
         And don`t for a minute think... just because you`ve
hit him four or five times in the chest with a 303, don`t think he`s dead.  He won`t be,
           With all that adrenalin and lead in him he can still
run faster than you can.Don`t bother checking to see
if he`s wear body arm.. MANIACS DON`T NEED VESTS!
           Throw a chair or a boulder thru somebody`s
living room window... get your crew inside and shove a couch into the ungainly opening you have made in the wall. Ha! Ha!
           THEN CALL 911.
                       
            Forget cell phones at times like this --- your fingers
will shake too much to use them...
            Shove the couch into the wall opening. Get any of the men with you who are not weeping on their knees and praying for SANTA... get them to rip legs off chairs off chairs for added impact defence.
            Remember, I AM SANTA. If you`ve been to jail
you`ve probably already met me - and you know I tell you
no lies.

            Tell the house owners of the house to "SHUT UP AND FIND A GUN.!"
            This guy`s still coming for you. Don`t ever think he`s not. He might be catching his breath.  No, scratch that - he
DOESN`T NEED TO CATCH HIS BREATH.
          Forget the weak and the slow, your friends who were walking in the park with you...
they`re dead already!

           The cops`ll get there quick.  A lot of the guys like
situations like this - and thank God for that! 
         Never criticize a certain love for violence in your constabulary. What do you expect? It`s their stock and trade.
At times such as this you`ll wish they were more violent -
at times like this you need ravening beasts

             Fuck luck! When someone`s trying to kill you,
the only response is -  TRY TO EAT HIS SKULL!

             I`ve been through a few situations like this
and I`m still alive... And this little article might just save
your life...
             There`s no time to think when the rams`horns are
blowing in the hills.

                                   *    *    *       
                                           
                                            

                                                                                3




 IF YOU FIND YOU'RE IN A CLINIC,
AND YOU FIND YOU CAN'T GET OUT 

 



            This will never happen in my clinic, 
          but if you wake up somewhere else:
          _______________________________________
 
          If you are a woman,whether single, independent,
independently wealthy, somebody's wife or not,
whether you're a working person or not - if you wake
up one morning and the walls are white, and the curtains
are white and a strange white light is coming through
strange windows... 

IF YOU FIND YOU'RE IN A CLINIC AND YOU FIND YOU CAN'T 
GET OUT!

       My advice to you would be as follows:
 Don't be in a rush to sign any of those Medical
 Release Forms, or Form 14s, or any Cards
at all.... And don't sign any contract, however simple
it appears....

       And while you're at it, going through that 
sheath of paperwork they sometimes hand you...
when the staff sees you are exhausted or for 
some reason unable to read, put the pen down 
and say, "I'll think about it." Or, "Could we do this
tomorrow?" and smile sweetly.
        
       If you wake up in bed and find that you are
restrained somehow and you discover to your
disquiet, that the only part of your body
you are able to move is your right hand....
the hand that holds the pen...
        At such times it's best to consider carefully what
you might already have signed - when you were in a
semi-conscious or heavily medicated state.
So it's best to smile sweetly, as you refuse to sign
anything else.
       Say, "Oh, just for the moment, I need to take a
rest."
         On some opiate medications
you might in your heart believe you are strolling
through your Aunt's rose garden...and what
a sweet scent there is, too, and a pleasant
wind wafting under the folds of your dressing
gown....
       You might think you are smelling the roses,
when in fact  you're smelling Febreeze, and the
singing of the angels you thought you heard
is in fact the transistor radio of the 98 year old
lady who is unconscious in the bed across
from yours.
      My advice to you is, even when you are
feeling exquisitely good, sign nothing....

      In fact, especially when you are feeling 
wonderfully well, sign no papers until you can
read them.
       When you wake up in what feels to be
seventh heaven, you just know that those
white-coated individuals around you have
your best interests at heart.
        Be firm. Stand your ground. Insist that
they bring you your glasses, before you are
wheeled back down the hall.
       
      It's not rude to ask for your glasses
before you sign a legal document,
however disapprovingly the nurses
and orderlies look at you...
stick to your guns.
        Be stubborn. Be firm. And don't be in a hurry
to sign those Organ Donor Cards just yet.
      

























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