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Sunday, December 8, 2013

IF YOU'RE BUILDING A BONG THE SIZE OF A SMALL CAR! SANTA'S URBAN SURVIVAL GUIDE, PART FOUR.



SANTA'S URBAN SURVIVAL GUIDE

                                 4


IF YOU'RE BUILDING A BONG THE SIZE OF
______________________________________
A SMALL CAR.
 ____________



                      If you have a tendency to smoke illegal
substances in the privacy of your own home,
don't feel bad. You're in good company - at least
half of the Americas smoke something that can get you tossed in jail at a moment's notice - hey, and not just America!  Europe, too, and inside the Soviet Union, we're all smoking something we're not supposed to!
So don't feel too guilty...  
           Illegal drugs unify the whole
world! Maybe even more than professional sports do!
        (I'd say legalize all drugs
and have hospitals monitor their use, but this would put most
of my criminal friends and former clients out of work,
so this is a bad idea.
         Not just that we'd have to cut our police forces
in half, and reduce our jail sizes. And let's face, in
certain depressed parts of our nations, the biggest
employer is the "Criminal Justice" System!  
         So I better re-think this idea.)
               
           If you are secretly building a BONG THE SIZE OF
A SMALL CAR in your guest room, well, that's fine and good,
and I applaud the creativity of your efforts, but then it's
best to keep your criminal attorney close to you...
have his office number, his cell phone number and his e-mail number.  Hell, have HIS girlfriend's cell phone 
number. And if he's an addict,
be sure to introduce him to a good dealer, and have
his dealer's phone numbers!  
            Keep all these numbers
in a twisted little black book in your shirt pocket
close to your chest!
             This is a dark thought, but if you're really
heavily into smoking substances, you might
just want to BE HIS DEALER.  Trust me, this happens
more than you might think. THEN YOU KNOW YOU'VE
GOT A LAWYER ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!
             But if you're not heavily into drugs, or if
he isn't,  YOU CAN ALWAYS SUPPLY HIM 
WITH WOMEN!! Ha! Ha!  Only joking! O.K. 
Only half joking...This has been known 
to happen, also.

              But there is a CAVEAT to this:            
 MAKE SURE IT'S NOT YOUR WIFE YOU'RE
SUPPLYING HIM WITH, IN ORDER TO PAY
HIS FEE!
             There are several reasons for me offering this
advice.
         Trust me. doing the wife bit inevitably 
creates problems later!
         All of a sudden the control is out of your hands!
It's important to remember this fact - if your lawyer
 starts really enjoying your wife sexually, he might 
just decide he wants to keep you in jail much much longer than what your original sentence would have been.
           It'll provide you with endless entertainment, when you're wasting away in the slammer.... at 3:00A.M. you'll
be wondering just what position they're having
sex in... when you can't use the phone to
call.. and you can't hop in your car 
to show up suddenly and beat the life out of him.
           Many nights wondering... not so much,
"what if" but "how" and "how often".
           And if you start going nuts, as you surely
will  in this situation, it won't be long
before they have you under "close observation"
which means you'll be locked in an air tight
cell with bright lights on your naked body
24 hours a day...
         This way the guards (both male and female)
 can watch you closely all day and all night
on closed circuit T.V.
              And should you have the urge to
masturbate thinking of your wife getting
her brains fucked out, time and again, night
after night, well, know this:  you'll be
providing entertainment for at least twelve
uniformed people working your floor
in the jail for however long your obsession
with your unfortunate situation lasts.
            An obsession with cuckoldry has
obsessed millions of men who are NOT in jail,
think of how much more force the fetish
will carry with you!... while you are locked up
and closely watched under the hot lights - 
while you have nothing
else to think about, and nothing to read,
and no T.V., and YOU'RE NAKED anyhow...
         Stronger men than I or you have
broken down and started jerking off like
a monkey in the zoo, while  under the bright
observation camera lights of SORDO-LOVE!
 Many obsessive and sexually exact details
will certainly  prey on your mind repeatedly.
            
           And of course, later on, all your
friends will hear about every detail
of your sordid sojourn at the public's
expense.
            At your expense, too! And there will
probably be several copies of your exploits
while naked and on all fours, and doing
all too natural things to your body...And
these exploits will be photographed from a most
unflattering angle. The camera is on the ceiling
behind you, right beside the directional lights.
          Also,it'll probably take you years to pay off 
the bill of the lawyer who's been 
boning  your wife, and that will rub salt in your 
wounds.

              Still  if you're going to do twisted, illegal things
it's best to know a good Criminal Lawyer (I'll write a whole
chapter later on how to find this elusive Beast.) But let
me give you a hint right now - the best Criminal Attorneys
are not always sober.... So don't get all righteous about
sobriety, when you're seeking the help
of a true master of the dark side of the Court System.
               Truth  be told, it's best to find a lawyer who has been to jail himself ---- but these are rare birds, and perhaps
this is an unfair condition to place upon
your attorney.
          If he hasn't been to jail, you better make sure he
spends a lot of time around jails - or he'll be fooled
by the most basic gag of all propagated upon lawyers
by Detention Centre Guards with a wicked sense of
humour... They'll put a lawyer's client "on the goose"
and your beginning counsel will not be able to find
his client...
                  It's like a game of three card Monty -
now you see him, now you don't.
                  The guard will inform the inexperienced counsel:
"Oh, we're not sure who has him now... He was shipped
out about  two weeks ago.... We were overcrowded.
We put him on the goose and sent him north..."
            Beginning lawyer says (trying not to shout)
"What do you mean you don't know WHO HAS HIM!!!?"
If the lawyer starts to fall apart and hurl insults
over the phone line, well, he hasn't just made the jail guard's
day. You've made his week.  Hell, they'll be laughing at him
for a year!"
           Jails can be dull places, and let's face it,
Detention Officers have got to have some fun, too!
Just don't expect their fun to be of the 'kind & gentle'
 variety.
               
           I thought I was going to be able to sum
a lot of this up in just three or four chapters. Now I see
how wrong I was.
          But don't worry, I'm not going to stop until I'm
finished the whole of this screed of
basic survival principles - how to emerge alive
from the many amazing, unusual and dangerious
situations we may suddenly find ourselves in.

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